New additions to Team Velvet Fist

We've gotten a bunch of new members to Team Velvet Fist MMA since coming to Miami, so I though I'd give everyone the lowdown about them!

Alberto the Alligator



Born in Brazil and immigrating to the US at a young age, Alberto is a superb technical grappler - particularly for anaconda chokes and d'Arce chokes. And while he's got a superb takedown defense, his takedowns are only mediocre - though he's improving. He's also extremely tough and has powerful, if wild, striking, too, with his tail and all. But he's got a few holes in his game - his striking isn't first rate and, well, he's kind of stupid. We had hitherto thought that Roxie the Rhino was the dumbest one in Team Velvet Fist, but Alberto has her beat.

Additionally, while it is difficult to say he has motivation problems because he never shirks a workout, no matter how rough Godzilla makes it, he sleeps a lot. He doesn't remember most of his fights because he slept through them - even the ones he won!

Unsurprisingly, his favorite fighters are Jacare Souza and Rousimar Palhares.

Bigsby the Buffalo



The most experienced of our fighters, until recently, Bigsby has been fighting in smaller circuits in the Great Plains and Midwest states using a unique form of fighting: prairie fightin'. I've got to give him credit, with his great physical size for the plushieweight division, tremendous takedowns and powerful striking, Bigsby is definitely a force to contend with in the issue. If he has a flaw, it's that he lacks polish - but TVF will fix that up properly!

But, man, does he drink. He also has . . . questionable bathing habits.

What? No, Bigsby! I wasn't saying anything about you . . . no, no! Don't! Oh, please, don't!

I em sory fer sayin bad thigs aboot Bigsby. Bigsby es teh besttest fiter in teh whol werld! Please breng him beer. Bigsby liks beer butt I, Kris, em meen adn woont giev Bigsby mor beer.

Danni the Doggie



Ahem. I am back. Danni the Doggie is a very talented catch wrestler in the old carny style, having learned it from athletic acts in traveling fairs, mostly in the West. Her striking is good old Gypsy bareknuckles fighting, as one can tell from her scrappy appearance, she's not afraid to get involved in fisticuffs, either!

Danni is, however, kind at heart, and has taken Canute under her wing - particularly protecting him from Patty the Parrot's vicious verbal (and perhaps physical) onslaught. It's fair to say they don't get along. She notes Judo Gene Lebell and Frank Gotch as her inspirations for pushing the art forward.

Fannie the Flamingo



Fannie is a Florida native who has returned from years of exile to the frigid north. Using her long limbs and speed, she has an extremely graceful and precise form of striking. She's primarily a counterfighter, dodging out of people's way and then returning with devastating blows. Her real problem is when someone gets their hands on her, she doesn't always know what to do - she's got great balance, but needs to improve her takedown defense, and she definitely needs to work on her sweeps and submissions. But she's got so much promise! She's got unlimited potential!

In person, she's a hoot. Always fashion conscious, she is perfectly coifed even before a fight. She's got a heck of a Southern accent and is brash and sassy. It's impossible not to like Fannie the Flamingo from Florida!

Canute the Canuck



And . . . then there's Canute the Canuck. What can I say? He's hopeless. He was mostly in the car because he got caught up in a drinking contest with Roxie, Bigsby and Edward the Efalunt. He got very drunk and the next thing you know he wakes up and we're hundreds of miles away from his prior home! While he's certainly got the size and strength to be a good fighter, and to judge by the many, many savage beatings that he's gotten from Patty the Parrot before Danni took him under her wing, he's tough as hell, he just has trouble getting into the spirit of mixed martial arts.

He is also a quiet but sincere Christian, whose faith is being sorely tested by the "filth" that we constantly expose him to. When I tried to show him Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, he couldn't make it a minute into the first episode before screaming and running away in horror! He is constantly wishing for us to watch something "uplifting", not vampire soap operas and depressing crime dramas and people snapping other people's arms.

Poor, hopeless Canute. Who knows what the future will bring for him?

I mean, look at this!



He built a pillow fort. Do MMA fighters build pillow forts?!

Team Velvet Fist Moves to Miami

When I heard that Team Velvet Fist was moving to Miami, I went down to their Santa Cruz gym. It was chaos, everyone go and fro, things disassembled and awaiting shipment, all very busy. Still, the fighters and staff were willing to speak to me. I asked about the move, why they’re doing it and what they expect to gain - or lose - from such a move. The response from the fighters was varied. First I spoke to Keema the Camel. She was, of course, calm:

It’s a big change, of course, but there’s much to be excited about. The presence of American Top Team is splendid, of course, because of the large number of high level Brazilian jiu jitsu black belts. It provides a unique opportunity to train with many of the best rollers in the world. Likewise, the wrestling culture of Florida is something I’m very much looking forward to. As a camel, of course, grappling is my primary focus, and this move provides many new and exciting training opportunities.

Sandy the Shark’s reply was ominous:

I have a lot of family offshore in the Miami area. They tell me the Cuban food is just excellent. I can’t wait to take a bite out of the area.

Bette the Bair had a different take on things, as is her idiom:

Do they have vodka in Miami? Is so, good. If not, bad, very bad. You know, when a polar bair such as myself gets too hot with no vodka, there is being killing spree. Da. Very violent. Very frequent. So, best to be having vodka.

When I was finally able to force Patty the Parrot away from her training, she said:

One place to train is much the same as any other. The MMA scene in Miami is rooted in complacency, so there is not much for me to learn there - nothing unorthodox, nothing that takes the art to the next level. Still, that very orthodoxy will allow me to hone my skills because they represent the ne plus ultra of how MMA has become fossilized. I will hone my techniques against these cookie cutter robot “fighters” and through that bring a devastating new style to the cage.

Then Patty returned to training, of course. Then I asked Edward the Efalunt what he thought:

I think this move is going to be great! I mean, wow, I mean, we’ll be right there next to Thiago Alves! How cool is that! The Muay Thai Wrecking Machine! Ohemgee, I am so totally stoked about this!

Then he did a little muay Thai dance and did a back flip. Petey the Edge was not so enthusiastic.

I think this is a terrible move. I mean, really? Gulf pelicans? I know what that’s trying to say, they’re trying to keep a California brown pelican down. But that is not going to happen. I am going to show those lily white Gulf pelicans what a real, hardcore pelican is like. This is insulting. But I will persevere and, of course, triumph.

Then he spread his wings to show where he’d recently gotten his new Brown Pride tattoo.

I do this to show my solidarity with my brown Californian brothers and sisters regardless of species. We are Californian, we are brown and we are here to stay!

Some people, of course, do not change. Demon the Ducky:

Do they bleed in Miami? They’re all the same to me. I will beat them bloody and then drink their blood. No offense, but I’m gonna murdalize every last motherfucking last one of them.

When I tried to ask Roxie the Rhino about the move, I got headbutted. Repeatedly. Here is the last, horrified picture taken by my cameraman before he was struck with Roxie’s trademark flying headbutt:



It was, sadly, the last picture he will ever take.

But the the brains of the operation is, without, Dao the Dragon. As the inventor of kung-fu and the chief trainer of Team Velvet Fist, his insights were most illuminating.

Life is a series of changes! We flow from one to the other. It is best not to be captured by the details! We were in Santa Cruz, we will be in Miami. There are no whys, only the natural rhythm of events.

Of course, I intend to take this opportunity to further my students’ oneness with the infinite. In particular, the fierce hurricanes that scour the area - caused by my tempestuous brothers and sisters - will be an allegory for their burgeoning abilities. To be as the wind and wave! What is softer than water, save air? And, yet, what can stand before them! Cities fall, coastlines reshaped, because of this air, this water. Magnificent! Through understanding the oneness with all things, my students will be able to harness that natural power, soft and yet fierce, born of the lightest things but able to wreck incalculable havoc.

Godzilla was more prosaic.

Well, it was mostly a money thing. Santa Cruz is nice, but really expensive. We looked around and Miami just made the most sense because of it’s access to a diverse array of trainers and we like to train outside a lot, and Miami has mild winters. So, to spare Santa Cruz being destroyed by me in a firestorm of nuclear annihilation, Dao suggested be blow out of there when our rents got jacked up.

Profiles of Team Velvet Fist: Petey the Pelican

Favorite Fighters: Georges St-Pierre, Fedor Emelianenko, Randy Couture
Nickname: the Edge

Age: 5 years
Height: 13"
Weight: 11.9 oz/0.37 kg/0.053 stone
Reach: 21.5"
Styles: Greco-Roman wrestling, boxing, second degree black belt in Kyokushinkai karate
Fighting Out Of: Santa Cruz, California

Bio: The Santa Cruz native, born on a cliff near Natural Bridges State Park, Petey has long been interested in high level competition. With his long reach and the natural ferocity of a pelican killing machine, Petey dominated the NCAA Division I plushieweight Greco-Roman wrestling league, wrestling out of UCLA. He racked up an impressive four times All-American wrestler and his in his final year went 42-0.

But Petey says, "I don't think of myself as a wrestler, but as a mixed martial artist. I see the strengths of wrestling, of course, in controlling the action of the fight, but I know that in modern MMA you can't just do one thing well, you've got to do everything. And I've been doing Kyokushinkai for years so I've got a good basis for striking."

Petey has racked up an impressive series of wins, not only because of his completionist mindset, but also his clever tactical abilities.

Petey says, "I see it as a chess match. Most fighters are predictable. I know what they're going to do. I just need to figure out a way to counter that, to predict them to the second or third level. Then, victory inevitably follows."

What about his name, the Edge? "I'm edgy, that's just the way it is. I take everything to the edge! I think it's my vicious predatory nature, I like to go in for the kill, I live life in an extreme way, I don't back down, I don't give up or chicken out. It's just who I am."

Watching Petey fight is impressive. Not simply because he is skilled, but because of his remarkable composure and intelligence. The chess metaphor grows in believability watching him predict his opponent's tactics and having counters for every one. And yet, when the moment comes, Petey swoops in for the kill with the instinct of a natural born killer. Covered in the blood of his enemies, Petey is inevitable to reach the top of the fiercely competitive plushieweight division.