Saturday, January 14, 2012

New additions to Team Velvet Fist

We've gotten a bunch of new members to Team Velvet Fist MMA since coming to Miami, so I though I'd give everyone the lowdown about them!

Alberto the Alligator

Born in Brazil and immigrating to the US at a young age, Alberto is a superb technical grappler - particularly for anaconda chokes and d'Arce chokes. And while he's got a superb takedown defense, his takedowns are only mediocre - though he's improving. He's also extremely tough and has powerful, if wild, striking, too, with his tail and all. But he's got a few holes in his game - his striking isn't first rate and, well, he's kind of stupid. We had hitherto thought that Roxie the Rhino was the dumbest one in Team Velvet Fist, but Alberto has her beat.

Additionally, while it is difficult to say he has motivation problems because he never shirks a workout, no matter how rough Godzilla makes it, he sleeps a lot. He doesn't remember most of his fights because he slept through them - even the ones he won!

Unsurprisingly, his favorite fighters are Jacare Souza and Rousimar Palhares.

Bigsby the Buffalo

The most experienced of our fighters, until recently, Bigsby has been fighting in smaller circuits in the Great Plains and Midwest states using a unique form of fighting: prairie fightin'. I've got to give him credit, with his great physical size for the plushieweight division, tremendous takedowns and powerful striking, Bigsby is definitely a force to contend with in the issue. If he has a flaw, it's that he lacks polish - but TVF will fix that up properly!

But, man, does he drink. He also has . . . questionable bathing habits.

What? No, Bigsby! I wasn't saying anything about you . . . no, no! Don't! Oh, please, don't!

I em sory fer sayin bad thigs aboot Bigsby. Bigsby es teh besttest fiter in teh whol werld! Please breng him beer. Bigsby liks beer butt I, Kris, em meen adn woont giev Bigsby mor beer.

Danni the Doggie

Ahem. I am back. Danni the Doggie is a very talented catch wrestler in the old carny style, having learned it from athletic acts in traveling fairs, mostly in the West. Her striking is good old Gypsy bareknuckles fighting, as one can tell from her scrappy appearance, she's not afraid to get involved in fisticuffs, either!

Danni is, however, kind at heart, and has taken Canute under her wing - particularly protecting him from Patty the Parrot's vicious verbal (and perhaps physical) onslaught. It's fair to say they don't get along. She notes Judo Gene Lebell and Frank Gotch as her inspirations for pushing the art forward.

Fannie the Flamingo

Fannie is a Florida native who has returned from years of exile to the frigid north. Using her long limbs and speed, she has an extremely graceful and precise form of striking. She's primarily a counterfighter, dodging out of people's way and then returning with devastating blows. Her real problem is when someone gets their hands on her, she doesn't always know what to do - she's got great balance, but needs to improve her takedown defense, and she definitely needs to work on her sweeps and submissions. But she's got so much promise! She's got unlimited potential!

In person, she's a hoot. Always fashion conscious, she is perfectly coifed even before a fight. She's got a heck of a Southern accent and is brash and sassy. It's impossible not to like Fannie the Flamingo from Florida!

Canute the Canuck

And . . . then there's Canute the Canuck. What can I say? He's hopeless. He was mostly in the car because he got caught up in a drinking contest with Roxie, Bigsby and Edward the Efalunt. He got very drunk and the next thing you know he wakes up and we're hundreds of miles away from his prior home! While he's certainly got the size and strength to be a good fighter, and to judge by the many, many savage beatings that he's gotten from Patty the Parrot before Danni took him under her wing, he's tough as hell, he just has trouble getting into the spirit of mixed martial arts.

He is also a quiet but sincere Christian, whose faith is being sorely tested by the "filth" that we constantly expose him to. When I tried to show him Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, he couldn't make it a minute into the first episode before screaming and running away in horror! He is constantly wishing for us to watch something "uplifting", not vampire soap operas and depressing crime dramas and people snapping other people's arms.

Poor, hopeless Canute. Who knows what the future will bring for him?

I mean, look at this!

He built a pillow fort. Do MMA fighters build pillow forts?!

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